I need my child to sleep

I have always tried to be honest on this blog, sharing things I have loved, things that haven't been that great and some awful experiences; but there is something I have shied away from writing about. In fact I have actively hidden from it for the last nine months and at times I thought I would probably never share it with you. 

I've started this post a number of times and stopped, feeling that it may not be something that others would be interested in. However, as I started to write I thought there might be others who are going through a similar scenario. To be honest I was also worried that I couldn't do the issue justice, that my words would make it sound trivial and for me and I'm sure others who have been affected by this; it is anything but. 

I have a baby that doesn't sleep! Sounds innocent enough in itself and to be honest something you expect as a new parent. I wouldn't say I was naive about how hard it would be to become a new parent. I had expected nothing more than a gruelling six months of hard work and no sleep. Friends who had babies and toddlers told me that this was a good way to go into parenthood and that this was a realistic expectation. But nearly nine months on, the new born baby stage hasn't passed and I am still left with a baby that wakes constantly throughout the night. It is absolutely gruelling and soul destroying. 

Now to be clear with those reading this I'm not talking about the occasional sleepless night because of a growth spurt, teething, a sleep regression or because the little one is unwell; I am talking about regular and consistent interrupted or no sleep.

To begin with you are running on the adrenaline of birth, the post highs of having a new born baby that easily sees you through the first three months of no sleep. 

But as time passes and weeks, turn into months and you are still left with a child that doesn't sleep you are tired, exhausted and somehow left feeling alone, a failing parent. Doing the simplest of tasks like washing your hair becomes impossible with a child that doesn't nap and is grouchy to be put down. 

I am surrounded by parents who's babies sleep, the little thing that we all take so naturally for granted, but the one thing that despite every best effort just hasn't happened. Lots of parents I have met since having Noah have babies that sleep through the night or wake once or twice through the night. To add to my perceived inadequacies,  they have done so from a few months old; so if you are one of those parents, with the utmost respect gracefully leave and go and gloat elsewhere.

This post is for those parents who like me are struggling or have struggled with a baby that just doesn't sleep or for those just interested in my experience. I should also point out that of course I am hopelessly in love with Noah, I love him to bits, the fact that he doesn't sleep is not a reflection on that and this is not a post natal depression topic. 

Chronic sleep deprivation is where you loose sleep night after night and have no time to make it up. A lack of sleep rapidly builds up to insurmountable levels that effect all areas of your life. 

Noah is now nearly nine months and on an average night our sleep happens in one-two hour stints. He sleeps for one or two hours, wakes and then requires up to forty minutes of settling until we both sleep again. 

If one to two hours wasn't bad enough, sometimes he wakes within fifteen minutes of being put down. He frequently wakes five to eight times a night and wants to start his day (apparently refreshed) at four in the morning. I spend hours in a darkened room feeling very much alone and I have truly forgotten what deep sleep feels like. 

There is a reason that people use sleep deprivation as a torture devise; after a while you begin to loose your sense of self. Your rational self is lost and you are basically left a non-functioning anxious wreak. Basic tasks become a struggle. I have gone out to get shopping and forgotten why I was there, tried to get Noah a passport, forgetting the pictures and birth certificate. Taken pictures with my DSLR and had no memory card in there. Been talking mid sentence and forgotten what I was talking about or been unable to find the word for the most simple things. 

Noah also does not function well on such little sleep he wines in a high pitched voice and has mini meltdowns. 

I have read every website, article and book on how to get Noah to sleep. I'm trapped in a cycle of different pieces of advice and parenting tips, e.g. healthy sleep habits, the importance of routine, the cry it out method etc etc. 

Whilst well meaning the vast amount of this material goes further to reinforce that you are an incapable parent because your child just doesn't sleep. 

The thought of going back to work with a child that still doesn't sleep is absolutely terrifying. 

I had hoped that once Noah started weaning that he would sleep longer during the night and sleep more consistently during the day. Sadly this hasn't happened as yet. I do hope however as he gets older that his sleep patterns will improve and that the non sleeping, all night partying baby will become a distant memory. 

I will share an update when it happens :-) In the meantime their are some positives to a baby that doesn't sleep I have seen some amazing sunrises. 

An update, Noah continues to not sleep but at ten months old was diagnosed with a milk allergy and following an over night sleep study, destauration problems whilst sleeping.